


because i'm stupid

by better_times_are_coming



Series: things i never told you [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Non AU, idolverse, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 01:43:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18729154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/better_times_are_coming/pseuds/better_times_are_coming
Summary: Why won't you upload a photo with me?





	because i'm stupid

_I really want to see the day_

_I'm withstanding the pain each day_

_"I love you" is playing on my lips_

_Alone again, crying for you_

_Alone again, missing for you_

**_(Because I'm stupid - SS501)_ **

 

 

As Seungcheol’s eyes traveled around the room, meeting with Jeonghan’s pretty side profile, he felt his stomach churning uncomfortably.

_Why won’t you upload a photo with me?_

The question had been dancing in Seungcheol’s mind ever since the fansign yesterday, and even though Seungcheol wouldn’t usually be _that_ bold nor direct, he thought it’d be a reasonable question.

After all, it was _only_ a photo.

Only a post, it wasn’t _that_ deep.

If it wasn’t that deep though, didn’t that mean that Jeonghan could just post one? And that it didn’t have to mean anything?

 _Exactly_ , his mind helpfully provided, going back to a every post they had done lately, _but_ you _a_ re _the one to post them_ and _take them._

Seungcheol took pride in Seventeen’s teamwork, in the love they had for each other, of course he wouldn’t get mad for something as trivial as a photo.

He wasn’t _mad_ , he was just curious.

As soon as he got the post-it, wait, no, even _before_ of getting the post-it.

When he considered making himself an Instagram account, he had thought long and hard about what kind of content he wanted to deliver for the fans.

Photography sounded well for Minghao and Mingyu, since they were talented in that aspect, but him?

What should _he_ post?

Taking photos with the members and showing the things he liked the most, made sense, and that certainly included Jeong-

“Hyung?” Seungkwan patted his shoulder. “We’re lining up for the group photo.”

His body moved on automatic and he made sure to smile and pose, all while the question kept flirting on his lips each time Jeonghan approached his way.

It wasn’t the place to ask something like this.

And what about the timing? That wasn’t right either.

So after they packed everything and headed towards the vans that would take them to the hotel, Seungcheol allowed himself to drag his feet.

After all the adrenaline that the concert had brought, Seungcheol for once didn’t wish to celebrate, he just wished to sleep this wariness off and maybe feel better during the morning.

Surely all the members were tired and most of them wanted to sleep in, maybe go out and enjoy some of the best japanese cuisine, he knew it wasn’t the time for a conversation about a _stupid_ pho-

Without thinking he reached out to tug at Jeonghan’s hand, just as he walked past by him in the hallway.

“Jeonghan-ah,” He called, pulling until Jeonghan idly unglued his eyes from his phone, giving Seungcheol a curious glance. His hair was slightly wavy with sweat and his cheeks were still flushed from exertion, and Seungcheol tugged a little harder. “We should upload a photo together.”

And now Jeonghan said _yes_ , and all his worries would fly out the window, because _pff_ , he was concerned about nothing, it was surely a coincidence that they wouldn’t upload one together.

There were thirteen of them, imagine all the possible duos and-

“Why?” Jeonghan asked, looking utterly _confused_ at the prospect of taking a photo with Seungcheol.

Seungcheol’s heart pounded in his chest, the feeling of disappointment too overwhelming to bear for a second.

He slowly let go of Jeonghan’s hand, trying to mask his emotions.

“I’m calling shotgun!” Soonyoung yelled, from somewhere around the exterior of the venue. “Hyung! You’re coming with us!”

Both of them looked at each other, there was no need to know that Soonyoung meant Jeonghan, he always talked about rooming with Jeonghan while they were on tour, of course he also wanted to share the same van.

“Coming,” Jeonghan said, with a confused expression (probably catching Seungcheol’s), and then he left.

Seungcheol stood there for a moment.

 _Why_?

 _Why not?_ Seungcheol wanted to ask. He could have said _yes_ or _later_ or _not right now_ , but _why?_

It certainly didn’t help at how disheartened he felt before, it was like Jeonghan was rubbing salt into a recently open wound.

Not long ago, Seungcheol had noticed how the members with Instagram had wished each other happy birthdays with posts and photos and that no one had done that for him, it stung even more.

It’s not like he didn’t know the members loved him.

They did, but Seungcheol wished that _maybe_ they could be more vocal about it?

It didn’t even have to be _always_ , just from time to time it’d do.

Everyone was affectionate in their own ways and Seungcheol understood that.

But at the same time he knew this wasn’t about the members in general.

He watched all the members mixing into different teams to get into the vans, and hoped to meet Jeonghan’s eyes before getting into his.

Their relationship was _special_ , wasn’t it? Not only because they were the eldest, but…

The door from the van Jeonghan was riding slid closed, muting the light chatter and laughter from the inside of the vehicle.

Seungcheol suppressed a sigh.

So much for reassurance.

*

“I want to know.”

Seungcheol knew he should shut up right now.

He had dwelled on the subject all the way from the venue to the hotel, and as he made it to his assigned room, in the elevator, he willed to leave this creeping feeling behind.

 _Then_ he remembered he was actually rooming with Jeonghan and all the apprehensions he had, flown out of the window.

He still didn’t understand it fully, but Jeonghan made him… testy, needy, it made something in him crave for his attention and affection, and usually Seungcheol didn’t mind Jeonghan’s indifference or lack of response, but today…

“If the kids ask, you say _yes_ right away,” Seungcheol considered, knowing full well he sounded like a whiny child. He still continued. “What is it with everyone _but_ me? What do I need to do?” Seungcheol asked, not being able to resist himself as Jeonghan had gotten out of the bathroom, after taking a shower.

He barely looked like a deer caught in the headlights, and Seungcheol for once didn’t feel guilty for putting him in the spot like that.

Jeonghan had come a long way from the shy boy that would stutter in front of a microphone and a camera, and to be totally honest with himself, so had Seungcheol.

Maybe if he were younger, he’d have backed down, he’d have let this be, but he wasn’t taking on anyone’s bullshit (not even his members) right now.

He was tired, and yes, maybe a tad emotional, but his inquiries were reasonable, right?

“Cheol.” Jeonghan took a deep breath, he was only wearing his pyjama pants, with pink owls on them. He should look ridiculous, but he was Yoon Jeonghan, those two didn’t mix together.

And usually Seungcheol would have been a bit distracted, but not today.

“Is it about the photo?” He asked airily, drying his hair with the towel.

He seemed unbothered by Seungcheol’s tone and somehow it made Seungcheol feel even more angry at himself, more _ridiculous_.

As if Seungcheol was being crazy.

Seungcheol of all people!

Suddenly he felt much like a child, sitting on his bed, with his arms crossed, demanding of a _photo_.

He didn’t know which one was worse, that he was asking for it or that Jeonghan just wouldn’t give it something as simple as that?

Jeonghan extended the phone in front of his face, the sudden action pulling Seungcheol out of his thoughts.

“Fine, when we go out to eat with the kids, then we-”

“You’re just saying that.” Seungcheol whined, looking up at Jeonghan, how a single drop of water was rolling down his neck and chest. “I don’t want it if I have to ask for it.”

Silence fell in the room.

Jeonghan groaned, clearly exasperated, he was tired too, and Seungcheol knew he might be pushing his buttons, but he couldn’t bring himself to _stop_.

“You’re not making any sense.” Jeonghan said with a sigh, dropping the wet towel on his bed and picking up the shirt he had left on the bed with fast, smooth movements.

“ _You_ are not making any sense.” Seungcheol pointed an accusing finger at him, which seemed to rile him up even more. He was fucking up, although he couldn’t care less. “Just tell me, why not? As I was in the car, I checked the instagram posts and It’s always Seokmin or Joshua or-”

“We have _countless_ photos together.”

Seungcheol went silent after that.

 _It isn’t about that,_ he thought.

And sure, they had taken some on the ski trip, but he couldn’t recall if he had any other on his phone…

Jeonghan placed his hands on his hips, just staring at his friend.

Years knowing Seungcheol gave him the real perspective, he knew by now when Seungcheol was mad, when it was exertion, when he was pretending or when he needed to do or say things he didn’t want to just because he was the leader and he _had_ to.

Now, he didn’t want to know what was going on in Seungcheol’s mind.

It seemed petty and he felt called out for something he had nothing to do with.

“It’s not about having them, it’s about posting-”

“What am I supposed to prove with that?” Jeonghan interrupted, words sharp as they let his mouth. “Why do I need to prove to the fans I like you? It’s only a photo, Seungcheol. Get over it.”

Seungcheol knew that Jeonghan was right, and Jeonghan could see right through him.

It was time to back down, for both of them.

Seungcheol looked even more determined to hear for an actual reason, because he Jeonghan wasn’t exactly replying to his question.

Why _him_ ? Why _only_ him?

“Why do you have to be so-” Jeonghan started, face twisting into something ugly.

“So _what_ -”

“Childish.” Jeonghan spat out. He took a deep shaky breath and then he ran a hand through his hair, seemingly taken aback at his words, but not enough to apologize or make it better. “You always do this, demanding stuff from me, pushing me around, being clingy and overly affectionate, can you just give me some…” His words died down as he looked at Seungcheol’s expression.

It was blank.

And his eyes had glazed over, but maybe it was just Jeonghan’s imagination.

“Hyung!” A knock on the door made them look up and Jeonghan took another deep breath. “We’re ready to go.”

Clearly he didn’t want to leave like this, and Seungcheol was the tiniest bit hopeful that maybe Jeonghan would stay.

Their eyes met for a lingering moment, Seungcheol’s heart skipped a beat.

“Hyung?” Mingyu’s voice insisted, uncertain that he was there at all.

Seungcheol looked down, wanting to say something, _anything_ , to make him stay. but-

Jeonghan turned towards the door and left.

***

Seungcheol decided to cool off.

He loved Japan, it was cherry blossom season, there was no reason not to be enjoying Japan.

Except for this.

Why had the universe chosen that this would be a good moment for this argument to appear?

Why was he feeling like this after _years_ of being okay with being Jeonghan’s… friend?

He didn’t understand.

It wasn’t like he wanted Jeonghan to acknowledge that he loved him _more_ -or did he?-, he just wanted to know that Jeonghan loved him just as much.

That he cared about his feelings.

And that he wouldn’t mind taking the initiative to show his affection towards him, from time to time.

Things had been awkward between them and it didn’t help that they were, for once, rooming together. Maybe if they were back home, it’d have been easier, just seeing each other for practice, but now… they had to face each other during their morning routines and at night.

Seungcheol dreaded it a little.

He had been actively avoiding Jeonghan these past days, and it had worked, he had cooled off as well.

And maybe things would have stayed _well_ if he hadn’t gone out to drink sake with the hip hop unit manager and got a little tipsy as he made it back to the hotel room.

It wasn’t a good idea.

He was still emotional, exhausted, worried and insecure, and Jeonghan existing near him with an unbothered expression, made him crave the other’s attention even more.

He wished he could be as lovable sometimes, as careless and beautiful as Jeonghan.

The real _hyung_ for the team, the only one who could give advice to all of them and comfort them.

Not like Seungcheol, to whom the members came for work inquiries only.

“Drink water and go to bed.” The manager reminded him, after dropping him off on his floor. Seungcheol waved a hand at him and patted on his pockets for his key.

It did work, going out for a while, it made him think a little less about Jeonghan.

As he opened the door and he saw his sleeping figure, he was hit with a wave of emotions.

This wouldn’t do.

He closed the door behind him and walked around in the dark room, taking off his shoes with clumsy movements.

Maybe he had drank more than he ought to.

“Jeonghan-ah,” He called gently, as he approached to his friend’s bed, he noticed that he was actually awake, eyes on his phone as he scrolled down on… something.

“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan’s eyes tried to make up his friend expression, and just then he realized he hadn’t turned on the lights when he made it inside.

It was one am, of course it was dark.

Didn’t matter, his eyes were already adjusting to the darkness already as he knelt by Jeonghan’s bed to look at him properly.

“You were out drinking, weren’t you?” He asked softly, even though it was obvious. He shifted on the bed, so he was on his side instead of his back. “Why won’t you go to be-”

“Do you love me?” Seungcheol asked, surprised at how eloquent he sounded.

How sober.

Even in the dark, he noticed the shift on Jeonghan’s expression, if he seemed annoyed and worried before, now he looked confused, maybe a little offended.

Jeonghan let out a disbelieving laugh.

“Seungcheol, you know all of us-”

“No, not every member. This isn’t about the kids.” Seungcheol said, effectively shutting Jeonghan up. “I meant you. **You**. Do _you_ love _me_?”

Jeonghan slowly placed his phone down, confused smile disappearing from his lips.

He didn’t want the same thing from before to happen, he didn’t want Jeonghan to ask _why_ instead of just saying _yes_.

He wasn’t ready for another disappointment.

And he couldn’t bear to let this go now that it had latched to his mind.

“Do you really love me?” He asked, in a small desperate whisper.

He was hurt, he couldn’t possibly hide it and Jeonghan couldn’t miss it.

This one was easier, wasn’t it?

Jeonghan shouldn’t have a problem with this one.

It wasn’t a request, it wasn’t a demand, he wasn’t asking for the fans this time, it was all for him.

Jeonghan’s expression softened, just like when he was about to scold the members on something, but it only made Seungcheol dread the next words even more.

“Cheol,” He started. “Stop being silly, it’s obvious that I-”

“Is it?” Seungcheol interrupted, not missing the way Jeonghan didn’t just reply _again_. His eyes burned despite himself, and Jeonghan didn’t move, taken aback by the leader’s reaction.

It wasn’t just about the photo, or about _this_ , it was about him being the clingy one, desperate for attention, and not an ounce of reassurance coming from Jeonghan.

He was tired of this.

When no answer came, Seungcheol’s expression twisted, heart pounding in his chest

“I thought so.” He said, somehow bitterly. “I'm going out.”

 _That_ sparked Jeonghan’s interest, or worry, he didn’t know. He didn’t _care_ at this point.

If one of the members of his _family_ couldn’t even admit that he loved him, what was the whole point?

“It’s like two am and you’re drunk, where are you even-”

“I’m sleeping somewhere else.” He decided, standing up so abruptly that the whole room spinned.

And if Jeonghan said anything else, Seungcheol didn’t hear him, leaving the room in four strides, not even turning to see if Jeonghan followed.

He knew he probably didn’t.

***

He was able to squeeze one night in on Wonwoo and Junhui’s shared bedroom -he was glad that at least they didn’t ask for details-, but he didn’t actually wanted to draw the member’s attention to his current predicament.

Next morning, he had decided that he should set the example and act like nothing had happened.

They were still on tour.

They had fan meetings, concerts and schedules.

He might be self centered sometimes, but he was a professional above all things and he knew that his duty as a leader was to keep the team together and in the best condition for the rest of the Japan tour.

They only had Chiba and Osaka left and he was rooming with Jeonghan for all those dates.

Sleeping early sounded like his best strategy not to run into Jeonghan and have an awkward conversation about everything that had happened between them.

He couldn’t even put a word to it.

What did he want from Jeonghan?

Why did it make him so mad not to get anything in return from his affection?

Why couldn’t he just… laugh it off, like he did with other members?

_You always do this, demanding stuff from me, pushing me around, being clingy and overly affectionate._

He couldn’t lie, Jeonghan’s words still stung and he didn’t dare to tell anyone, because they might want to intervene, so they wouldn’t fight, and Seungcheol didn’t want anyone to pity him.

He didn’t want anyone to meddle.

This was about the two of them and the two of them only.

The door to the room creaked open, but Seungcheol didn’t turn towards the sound, instead, he pulled the blanket up to his neck, eyes staring at the window.

It might have been a childish effort, but it did make it easier to just ignore Jeonghan.

If Jeonghan asked him to look, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to say no.

“Seungcheol,” Jeonghan’s voice came from somewhere around the room. It was close though, very close. “It’s ten pm, I know you’re not actually asleep.”

Ever since their last conversation, they hadn’t really interacted.

Only in the stage and during practice, if it was strictly necessary.

Seungcheol would have been lying if he said that he had been okay after that.

It was true, he had caused this, he had even staged this somehow, but… it wasn’t supposed to go like this.

Jeonghan was supposed to say _yes, let’s upload the photo_ and _of course I love you_ , but things had gone so wrong.

And Seungcheol wasn’t even sure how to fix it.

He didn’t even know what he wanted.

“Let's eat katsudon.” Jeonghan offered, after a long pause. “I’ll even treat you, how does that sound?”

Seungcheol's eyes stayed fixed to the window, heart thrumming in his chest.

He could faintly hear the AC working, but nothing else.

And he was curious about Jeonghan’s expression, was he apologetic? Was he exasperated? Was he frowning?

He couldn’t tell from his voice.

He just sounded… soft.

As if he were apologizing but without actually saying so.

In any other situation, a free meal and a talk would have been enough, but… not today.

“Cheol.” Jeonghan insisted gently, apparently looking around the room now. “Have you eaten dinner?”

A moment of silence passed between them and Seungcheol knew that he should say yes.

Take this peace offering and end with this whole thing.

He _did_ love Jeonghan after all, and katsudon as well.

But since he was stubborn and only slightly petty -and most importantly, he was still hurt as hell-, he pulled out his phone, opening the first app that showed up on his screen.

Jeonghan stood in the middle of the room, as music started to fill his ears and Seungcheol started furiously tapping his thumbs on the screen of his phone.

He was playing, _yes_ , he was like that sometimes.

Seungcheol hissed, his fingers slipping from the screen just before Seungkwan’s part started in _just do it_.

For a moment, he wondered if Jeonghan was still there, or maybe he had left, and he hadn’t heard him, but then, he heard a tiresome sigh and some rustling.

Jeonghan was probably picking up his coat and key.

“Fine. I'll go with Shua.”

 _Fine_ , Seungcheol wanted to say, _I bet you’ll have a great time with him_.

But if the slam by the door was anything to go by, Seungcheol’s patience wasn’t the only one running low lately.

Sometimes he wished he could be the bigger person, but he was stubborn and he still felt hurt, and free food wasn’t about to change that.

*

“Cheol.”

Seungcheol’s eyes opened, blinking up at darkness.

Hotel room. Japan Tour. Chiba.

He didn’t even know what time it was, he only knew that he had pretended to be asleep early and then he actually fell asleep, before-

“Cheol-ah.” Jeonghan’s voice had woken him up.

Jeonghan had _arrived_ back into the room.

After eating katsudon with Jisoo.

Silence.

Rustling behind him and a sudden wave of cold air against his bare back, as Jeonghan lifted the covers and slid down next to him.

Seungcheol’s heart picked up speed.

Did Jeonghan mean to wake him? Otherwise why would he even call his name?

He was only wearing his boxers to sleep and Jeonghan shuffled closer, until his chest pressed against Seungcheol’s back and their legs tangled together.

Seungcheol held his breath for a moment.

Jeonghan hadn’t said a thing apart from his name as he woke him up, and Seungcheol faintly wondered if he was still asleep.

Maybe this was a dream, it certainly felt like one.

After their two discussions and all the hidden feelings, the avoidance.

Truth was, they haven’t slept together in a long time.

Sure they have napped next to each other countless times, both by accident and convenience, in the vans, on the plane, on waiting rooms and airport lounges.

Then why today of all times, feels so different?

Jeonghan’s arms slowly -but not dubiously- circled Seungcheol’s waist and the leader sucked a deep breath in response.

Oh god.

A gentle shush left Jeonghan’s lips as he held him, patting lovingly at Seungcheol’s stomach.

Seungcheol had no idea if he wasn’t even breathing anymore, with Jeonghan pressed from head to toe to him…

He felt the ghost of a breath against his neck and it was ticklish and strange in the most fascinating way.

Jeonghan’s hands traveled up, securing themselves against Seungcheol’s navel, and he would be lying if he said that the temperature of Jeonghan’s hands were the reason for the shudder that coursed through his body.

He pressed his lips together, wondering what this meant.

_Do you love me?_

Was this Jeonghan’s way of telling him he did?

Then why couldn’t he just tell him?

He might be getting tired from fighting though, so he relaxed in Jeonghan’s hold, letting himself be engulfed by his warmth.

By the sounds of Jeonghan’s breathing, he had fallen asleep.

Okay.

Gingerly, Seungcheol placed a hand over Jeonghan’s and he closed his eyes, breath deepening until he fell asleep too.

***

Seungcheol woke up next morning to an empty bed and a text.

_Jeonghan-hyung traded rooms with me, guess we’re together now! Let me know what you want to order for dinner!_

Seokmin.

He should have been surprised.

Or maybe he shouldn’t have?

He had been riling Jeonghan up ever since he brought the photo issue up… and now that everything else had happened, he didn’t even _care_ about the photo anymore.

He had walked into uncharted territory and he was afraid of losing Jeonghan for good.

Maybe he should just ignore everything, act like nothing had happened. Not even last night.

He should let this go.

 _Clearly_ Jeonghan was escaping for a reason.

And he had been too. Avoiding to speak to him before.

He chewed on his lower lip as he stared at the text.

Maybe it was one of those things that Seungcheol needed to allow to happen until the breaking point… _if_ there was one, at all.

But as he turned to look at the rumpled sheets, he knew that he didn’t _want_ to act like nothing had happened between them.

So he wouldn’t.

*

At the first knock, Jeonghan did not open the door.

Seungcheol had already found out that Seokmin had the single room and therefore Jeonghan was all alone inside, but he still refused to open.

Seungcheol knew that _he_ was avoiding something.

Was was _Jeonghan_ avoiding though?

He knocked again, more gently this time.

“It’s me,” he whispered. “And… I’m not here to fight.” He added, thinking that Jeonghan would appreciate the reminder.

He was never a confrontational person.

Still, a few more seconds passed and there was no sound coming out of the bedroom.

Seungcheol swallowed the lump on his throat and he leaned his forehead near the door.

“Please?” He asked, in a tiny whisper.

Almost immediately after that, the door opened, and Jeonghan gave him a small smile.

 _He was right at the other side of the door_ , he thought, _was he waiting for me?_

The two of them stared at each other and Seungcheol decided to break the ice, lifting a plastic bag.

“Bought some instant ramen and sapporo beer.” He offered, the cans making a small tinkle as they clinked with each other.

Jeonghan didn’t say anything, but his smile got a little wider, as he opened the door to let him in.

Seungcheol let out a sigh in relief and entered, the room still had Seokmin all over it, snacks laying everywhere and that weird music equipment he carried around laying next to his pillow.

It made Seungcheol wonder if Jeonghan had planned to stay here at all.

“I’ll boil some water.” Jeonghan said, interrupting Seungcheol’s thoughts and he nodded, pulling the food he had bought from the bag, organizing it in the only table the room had.

He was glad, since it gave him something to focus on, other than the fact that Jeonghan had cuddled with him last night.

As the table was set, Jeonghan poured the boiling water on each cup and Seungcheol opened a can of beer, offering it towards Jeonghan.

He faintly remembered how one day he had said that he’d like to do a tipsy vlive with him… right now he wondered if after everything that had happened, Jeonghan would ever room with him.

Or talk to him like before.

He had fucked up.

Jeonghan received the can with a small _thanks_ and Seungcheol opened his own, waiting for the ramen to cook.

Silence hung between them.

It wasn’t awkward as Seungcheol thought it might be.

He gulped down half of the can as he waited for the food, trying not to look at Jeonghan.

He had been wearing his red and white joggers and his black oversized hoodie when he opened the door. And he looked so _soft_ , with his sleep mused hair.

Maybe he had been napping, after today’s morning rehearsal.

They ate and drank in silence for a while, and Seungcheol thought for a second, that things looked like they had gone back to normal.

“... thought I might be too obvious.” Jeonghan admitted quietly, and it was so sudden, that Seungcheol not only missed the first part, but he also needed to look at his friend’s lips, because he had whispered.

Something only for Seungcheol to hear.

“Obvious about what?” He asked, placing his second can down.

Jeonghan took a deep breath, eyes not meeting with Seungcheol’s.

He looked hesitant.

“Do you really need me to say it out loud?” Jeonghan asked, with a pained expression. He placed his cup of ramen down, and Seungcheol only now noticed he hadn’t even eaten any of it.

 _Yes_ , Seungcheol thought, _because I don’t want to assume like last time_.

He didn’t want to get hurt.

Not again.

Not by Jeonghan of all people.

He didn’t think he could handle it.

“Please?”

Jeonghan took a deep shaky breath, as if he were bracing himself to say the next words.

“I get nervous that… people, fans, might think it’s real.” He whispered, a blush tainting his cheeks as he looked down.

His hand rested limp on the table, and Seungcheol didn’t think twice before reaching out to hold it, squeeze gently.

His heart was hammering in his chest again.

_What if..._

“Isn’t it?” Seungcheol asked and Jeonghan stiffened in his hold, they weren’t looking at each other, but he knew that his friend had tensed. “Isn’t it real, Jeonghan?”

Silence hung between them again.

There it was.

His true feelings, out in the open for Jeonghan to handle however he wanted.

For the first time since they had started talking, Jeonghan squeezed Seungcheol’s hand, an answer, if he’d ever get one, Seungcheol recognized.

His cheeks were burning, and he couldn’t stop his heart from beating wildly.

“Is it everything for the fans?” Jeonghan asked, as a counter offer.

 _It._ The affection, the skinship, the loving words.

The stares.

Seungcheol was the one to go quiet this time and took a deep breath, he bowed down and down, until his forehead hit the table and he hid there.

Was it everything for the fans?

Jeonghan didn’t pressure him, and Seungcheol was sure he took a few minutes to answer, but Jeonghan didn’t move, didn’t speak, just waited.

Seungcheol gently shook his head, without looking up.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled, words muffled against table. “I don’t think so. Sometimes it is, but… _most_ of the time... ”

Most of the time it wasn’t.

They both knew it.

Even if Jeonghan didn’t know if before, he knew it now and Seungcheol was okay with that.

The rest went unsaid.

Seungcheol thought it might be obvious, but Jeonghan didn’t reply, his hand letting go of Seungcheol’s to travel all the way to his head, running through his hair, and then to settle to the back of his neck.

He felt better, they hadn’t actually said anything outloud, but the affection felt mutual, Jeonghan cherished him.

When Seungcheol looked up, Jeonghan was giving him the most genuine smile he had ever seen on his face.

“Let’s go out and get some proper food, okay?”

*

Seungcheol closed his instagram app, slowly placing his phone down.

They had come back from the restaurant only a few minutes ago and Jeonghan was already in the bathroom brushing his teeth and washing his face.

“You posted it.”

Jeonghan only hummed in agreement, mouth filled with toothpaste.

Something was still nagging his mind about the whole thing, and Seungcheol wished he wasn’t as insecure.

But he was.

“You didn’t…” He started, unsure on how to continue, of what he wanted to convey. “You didn’t do it because you-"

Jeonghan spit on the sink and scooped water to wash his mouth, turning from the bathroom to give him a gentle smile.

“I wanted to." He admitted and then, "And It made you happy, didn’t it?” Jeonghan asked, plopping down on his bed.

Seungcheol looked between the photo, the emoji he had just left and he smiled.

It had warmed his heart that Jeonghan thought of him too.

It was the only thing he ever wanted.

Seungcheol nodded.

“Then I’m happy too.”

Seungcheol didn’t have time to dwell on what could this new change on their relationship could mean, because Jeonghan’s phone started vibrating from the nightstand, where it had been charging.

Jeonghan picked it up and started reading, all while Seungcheol looked up at him, only the tiniest bit endeared.

He hadn’t expected that things went out smoothly after how this conflict started… but he was so glad.

If he was okay with Jeonghan, then he was a better person, a better leader, a better hyung.

When Jeonghan finished reading, his expression shifted and Seungcheol felt a pang of guilt creeping on his chest.

“What is it?”

“Seokminnie and manager-hyung wanted to take a walk,” He said slowly, an awkward smile playing at his lips.

Clearly he didn’t want to leave, after things _just_ had settled down between them.

“I’ll stay here.” He added, albeit a little weakly. “We can always go tomorrow.”

Seungcheol would have none of that.

“Just go, Jeonghan.” He assured him, with a smile.

He hadn’t meant for Jeonghan to feel guilty about hanging out with the other members.

This was always about _his_ own insecurities.

Jeonghan looked between Seungcheol and the door, clearly torn of making this decision in the current circumstances.

“You’re welcome to join us.” Jeonghan said instead and it warmed Seungcheol’s heart to think that his friend was still trying to make up for something.

_Anything._

Something had clearly happened between the two of them before they went to eat, even though Seungcheol wouldn’t dare to put a name to it.

“Just go.” Seungcheol insisted gently and Jeonghan finally nodded, fixing his hair before pocketing his phone.

Just as he was about to turn to leave, Jeonghan took a deep breath and turned towards Seungcheol with a kind smile.

“Seungcheol-ah, you know I lo-”

“You don’t need to say it.” Seungcheol interrupted, raising a hand. _Ah_ , he had almost forgotten he had been drunk when he asked him to say that. This was awkward. “I…I was selfish, and I was…” He trailed off, not wanting to say anything even _more_ embarrassing. “I know it. You don’t need to say it.”

Jeonghan’s smile got a little wider, showing his front teeth.

“Okay then.” He agreed. ”We’re good?”

 _How couldn’t we_? _You just -almost- said you loved me_ , just because he had wanted to hear it. 

He felt cherished.

“We’re good.”

Jeonghan nodded to himself and walked towards the door, without looking back.

Seungcheol shifted in bed, already planning to get a proper night of sleep, no phone since he needed the rest. There was-

Footsteps rushed his way back to the bed, and just when Seungcheol raised his head, before he could even figure out what was going on, he felt the softest press of lips against his own.

Soft, gentle, a promise and a declaration, all at once.

“Goodnight.”

The word tickled against his lips and the lingering taste of Jeonghan’s lip balm remained, as Seungcheol blinked towards the door, where Jeonghan had just left.

He pinched himself, just to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

He wasn’t.

 

 

 

 

Tomorrow would come and Jeonghan would post another photo (from their walk the day before), but this time, Seungcheol had no seconds thoughts about it.


End file.
